My Funny Rooster Story

Ok, so first of all, I live in a small condo complex, with about 150 residents, that is landscaped quite nicely in a rural area. It's normally very quiet, since it's mostly family living. Well about two mornings ago, at 6am on the dot, I wake up to....... a rooster? I was half-asleep going "no it can't be a rooster... it must be someone's really loud alarm clock or something..." and tried to fall back asleep. Well this went on all morning. It still didn't occur to me that it could really be a rooster because of the location in where we live! And I was too tired to care.

I got up around 8am and took a shower, and while I was getting ready for work, I heard it again. My roommate Chrissie was down the hall, and she heard it too, and I go "What the hell is that?!?!" And she started laughing hysterically because she was just outside and said "It's a rooster!" So I guess I wasn't imagining things. So I run outside to take a look at it, and it indeed was.... a rooster, right in the middle of our condo complex in the lawn. A very handsome one at that.
We thought this is just so random and so funny, and head off to work thinking "oh it will be gone later this afternoon, from wherever it came from"... but no. It's still there the next evening, and the next morning, what do you know, we wake up to a 'COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!' at 6am again. This time, I don't think it's as funny. I'm pissed. I still had 2.5 hours to sleep, and there was NO WAY that was happening. I go to work, and lo and behold he's STILL THERE that evening. So I decide to do something about it, since no other residents will.

I take a walk down the street, knowing this flightless bird had to come from somewhere nearby... it couldn't have just up and flied into our complex. Our neighborhood outside our condo is... interesting. It's kind of the 'ghetto' of Provo, just in that all the poor people live in this area, with beaten-down houses and bad landscaping. I see a sign on the corner that reads "eggs for sale" and call the number on the sign in hope. A man answers, and he says it's not his rooster, but it could be the old couple's two houses down from his. Well I didn't know even where this man's house was I was talking to (and he was at the store on his cell so he couldn't come out), and I had no idea farm animals were even in our neighborhood, but he said it was tucked away behind some other houses. He said the couple was real nice so I trusted.

I find this little old beaten-down house, and knock on the door. In the window right beside the door I hear this "HELLO?" It's an old man and his wife sittin' in their chairs watching TV. The man has no shirt on, and the house smells of cats. I ask "are you missing a rooster?" and he says "Well, I don't know" and I describe what he looks like. Turns out he is his rooster, so I tell him where he is located, down the street, and toward the back of our complex. He says "Ok, I'll come right out". I figure he will at least put a shirt on (there are children in our complex, and nice families!), but he comes out with this big belly and the largest outie belly button I have ever seen in my life. Aliens could land on that thing. He has dirty old suspenders that hold up his very saggy pants that hang down his waist, and his dirty stained underwear comes up about 7 inches above his pants. He's probably about 70 years old, with wrinkly tanned arms, but bright white chest and belly. He kinda hobbles when he walks, and when he breaths his lips vibrate like he's playing a tuba. I think to myself "there's no way he's gonna catch this thing"... I ask him "do you have a thick jacket or something? or a net? or gloves?" and "Have you ever CAUGHT a rooster before?" and he says "no, he usually just follows me around".... so I have faith. But I talk him into at least getting a big fishing net or something. So he goes to his backyard, and comes out with a fishing net with very large holes... No way this is going to work. But I lead him to the rooster anyway.

It's a good 80-100 yards from his house to the spot where the rooster was, so it takes us some time to get there with this old hobbly man. The whole time I'm going "no way he's gonna catch this thing, he can barely MOVE! I was afraid he was going to have a heart-attack just on the way to the condos! And here I am, walking down the street with what looks like a farmer from the south, shirtless, and I'm in this hot-pink t-shirt, and nice jeans, and my hair's all 'did' so I look all girly with hot pink earrings.... We made quite the match...

Finally we reach the rooster, and while I'm trying to chase him over to the old man with the net, the rooster continues to run the opposite direction. The old man is constantly saying to the rooster "Here, cocky", "Here, cocky cocky", but the rooster won't have anything of it. It runs beneath bushes, behind things to where we can't get to him, and after a half hour of me running around and the old man standing there with his net I know this isn't going to work, so I say "I'll be right back! I'm going to get some things!" So I leave the old man and the rooster and run up to my place. I grab the thickest sweat shirt I can find, and some gardening gloves. When I get back outside, not even a minute later, they're both gone! Where could they have gone?! That man was far too slow to have caught the bird and make it out of the area already! So I'm looking all around the complex, and from around the corner of one of the buildings comes running this big dumb bird, running full speed like an ostrich, with an old haggard man walking behind him with a net. I laugh to myself, and go after the rooster.

I guide him up a flight of stairs where he will have no where to go at the top, and corner him. Then as he tries to get free between my legs, I snatch him up by the body, wings flapping everywhere, and flip him upside-down where I grab onto his huge legs and feet. This bird must weigh at least 15 pounds, and with all the flapping it was pretty hard to get him still, but finally I get my arms around his body and wings and hold him upside-down in a hypnotism state, so he has no where to go. Sadly, no one was around to see this victory, but I come down and approach the old man with the bird in my arms, and say "ok, where do ya want him" and he starts to put the net over him to carry him HIMSELF back to his house. No way I was going to let that happen. First of all, the net was no where near fit enough to carry this bird, and neither was the old man!! He was far too heavy for him to walk another 80 yards back to his place. I just said "no, no-- I'll put him in your backyard, ok? I'll meet ya there!" and carried this thing back to his place with cars driving by and everything. It was probably a pretty hilarious and random scene: this blond girl walking around with this huge rooster in her arms in a rural neighborhood, with an old man with dirty underwear and a huge outie belly button hobbling behind me.

I make it back to his house, and so does the rooster. I come to the big window I saw the old couple in in the first place, and said "Hello! I got him! Where do you want him?" And the old lady says "Oh, bless your heart!" and guides me to the back. There is no fencing for him, or coop, and so I put him down on the grass near..... some goats.... and she continues to say "bless your heart, bless your heart". I tell her she should invest in some WOMEN for this rooster so he has something to stay for, because she had no chickens! She said she thought that was a great idea, and yes, she should. She shows me her random supply of farm animals (remember we are in a rural area...) while the old man finally gets back to the house. Very very nice couple. They were very thankful. I laughed hysterically the whole way back to my condo.

I wish I had gotten a video or pictures of this whole ordeal, or at least that someone had seen this hilarious sight, but this story will have to do!